I've been slacking on the writing thing...there's no excuse just being lazy but sitting here trying to figure out what to write about and read and re-reading some of my older posts and one thing kept popping up "Romny, you are a fraud". Countless times I've written how I am going to start putting myself out there and how I'm going to change my sad sack of a life but to tell the truth, I've been saying this for over 3 years now and frankly, nothing except for my waist size has changed (and not for the better). It's no secret that reading, reflecting and thinking are things that I love to do but these are done too much. When situations call for it I do step up and try to make an effort and participate. When in a work situation or a small group (3-4 people) I'm a rock star but put me in a roomful of people that I don't know and I shrivel up and become the awkward wallflower social nightmare. Which leads me to believe that my natural state of being is one of solitude, reflection, quiet, and peace.
There's a saying that I love to use..."Shit or get off the pot" I hate it when people who I have known for some time bitch and moan about the same problems but yet show no willingness to do anything about their situation. I'm afraid, readers of this blog, I'm one of these people too. Even I'm sick and tired of hearing my own voice piss and moan about how fat I am, how lonely I am, how I'm gonna make things different. My inner counselor is telling me "shit or get off the pot!".
For me, the key word is "accountability". There is no one that I need to be accountable for or too, oh, no, wait, the healthy person would say "I need to be accountable to myself". Thank you, Joe Goodie Two Shoes, don't you think I already know that!? Right before school let out I got busted again. My doctor asked me how much of a spiritual person am I. My initial response was I don't belong to an organized religion which was quickly corrected that that's not what the question was. What she was asking was what do I do for my soul that grounds me. For a long time I have been avoiding the elephant in the room; that is and I'm not looking for pity here, but I've always felt like the "oh by the way" the "oops we forgot about" the "oh, yeah, didn't even think about you". I'm invisible and for the most part I would be o.k. with that but physician heal thyself....I need to shake this feeling of worthlessness because frankly, I'm starting to fade and fear eventually I will just disappear and for that reason I do start to light lamps or chant but only for a short time. I have no ability to keep it up.
Years ago, when I left my job in Publishing, I intended to use that time to get things done that I have had to put on the back burner due to work and school. Life had other ideas. I was the lucky recipient of a bronchial infection that would cause me to spew up things that frankly horrified me. I lost my insurance but schlepped myself to the doctors anyway.
So what AM I doing? I was recommended a book that took me a very long time to get "Happiness Unfolded: Self Unfoldment in an Interactive World" by Swami Bodhananda. I've started reading and am pleased that I already know some of the concepts that he discusses as we discuss them in class. My intention is to complete the book and use these tools flawlessly so that this fraud can get a backbone.